So if you know me, you probably know that my father died when I was 10 years old, and for many years that affected me. More than just affecting me, it spun me sideways in my relationship to God, my family and others. It has caused ripple effects years, even decades later. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Rom 8:28). So we flash forward to two years ago. My dear friends suffer the tragic death of the mother. The 75-year old father and 4-year old daughter are left to try to go on alone. But the Holy Spirit paired Mark and the little girl Karina with us in His wisdom as our close friends. The process of their grieving has been made more difficult with health issues of Mark having suffered two heart attacks, being diabetic other health issues and suddenly having to be the primary care-giver for this little girl Karina, my Godchild.
Can the Holy Spirit use anything for those who love Him? Never question this. Please I pray, never question this. Seek God's wisdom. It is a humbling, awesome process and experience.
So a few weeks ago, I'm getting my car my washed and while I'm working on some school work waiting, I see a story on "Camp Comfort Zone." This is camp where children who suffered a loss can find a place, people and tools to help them grieve and recover well. So I see an opportunity to volunteer at this camp and learn how to minister to Karina and help her in the grieving process I thought. I thought. God has more in mind. I never thought He would use this to pull me closer to my sisters and mother.
Several months ago, in my Psychology class, as wise, humble woman, Nancy Brandon, spoke to me about how I might bring my sisters and me closer. She counseled me to speak about my grief and that this may be a way to unearth some of my family's feelings about their loss and draw us closer. And then that may draw us closer to the Lord. Again, this was months ago. But the Lord works in His time, not mine. This week, I was speaking to my sister about my week and the discovery of some lost military medals that my father earned during WWII that were not on his official record. I then also spoke about my going to Camp Comfort Zone this weekend to be an observer. My sister and I talked about the difference in my reaction to my father's death compared to hers. We then talked about my brother's death several years ago and how that affected her much more than me. We were getting closer to each other's hearts than we had ever been. But then she pulled away. We were getting closer to her heart than she was comfortable and she said she had to go. But we made progress. Actually, the Lord made progress.
See How the Holy Spirit works? He was winding my grief, Nancy Brandon, a car wash, Comfort Zone Camp, Mark and Karina and even a song that just came on my iPod, set on random, these words come up:
"What heights of love,
what depths of peace
When fears are stilled,
when strivings cease
My Comforter, my All in All
Here in the love of Christ I stand"*
So I sit, alone in my office, crying tears of joy to a God who loves me, designed me, cares for me and guides me.
Now just this morning, I was speaking to my mother. As I spoke about camp tonight, my mother said that if she lived near me, she would volunteer there. She sees tremendous value in teaching children to grieve. She then talked about what she believes she did wrong in leading our family after my father's death. She spoke of taking the family to my father's gravesite several months after his death. She said it was so emotional she vowed never to do that again. So she used her strength, which is massive, and put us on her shoulders and we moved on.
But there, I believe, at the gravesite that day, was Christ, watching us leave, saying,"Don't leave, I'll comfort you, I'll worship your tears, I'll hold you in my arms. I'll guide you. Please don't leave, my children!"
But we did. My mother did what she thought was best for her, for us. But Christ didn't forget us, he didn't abandon us. He wasn't angry at us for leaving. He watched over us. He waited till we were ready and he was there when we sought Him. He continues to this day. Sometimes at a carwash. Sometimes in an office. Sometimes in our prayers. But always He seeks us out. Because He loves us so much. I am so sure of this. He loves us so much.
Lyrics by Phillips Craig Dean - "In Christ alone"
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