Grief and the Holy Spirit

So if you know me, you probably know that my father died when I was 10 years old, and for many years that affected me. More than just affecting me, it spun me sideways in my relationship to God, my family and others. It has caused ripple effects years, even decades later. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose (Rom 8:28). So we flash forward to two years ago. My dear friends suffer the tragic death of the mother. The 75-year old father and 4-year old daughter are left to try to go on alone. But the Holy Spirit paired Mark and the little girl Karina with us in His wisdom as our close friends. The process of their grieving has been made more difficult with health issues of Mark having suffered two heart attacks, being diabetic other health issues and suddenly having to be the primary care-giver for this little girl Karina, my Godchild.

Can the Holy Spirit use anything for those who love Him? Never question this. Please I pray, never question this. Seek God's wisdom. It is a humbling, awesome process and experience.

So a few weeks ago, I'm getting my car my washed and while I'm working on some school work waiting, I see a story on "Camp Comfort Zone." This is camp where children who suffered a loss can find a place, people and tools to help them grieve and recover well. So I see an opportunity to volunteer at this camp and learn how to minister to Karina and help her in the grieving process I thought. I thought. God has more in mind. I never thought He would use this to pull me closer to my sisters and mother.

Several months ago, in my Psychology class, as wise, humble woman, Nancy Brandon, spoke to me about how I might bring my sisters and me closer. She counseled me to speak about my grief and that this may be a way to unearth some of my family's feelings about their loss and draw us closer. And then that may draw us closer to the Lord. Again, this was months ago. But the Lord works in His time, not mine. This week, I was speaking to my sister about my week and the discovery of some lost military medals that my father earned during WWII that were not on his official record. I then also spoke about my going to Camp Comfort Zone this weekend to be an observer. My sister and I talked about the difference in my reaction to my father's death compared to hers. We then talked about my brother's death several years ago and how that affected her much more than me. We were getting closer to each other's hearts than we had ever been. But then she pulled away. We were getting closer to her heart than she was comfortable and she said she had to go. But we made progress. Actually, the Lord made progress.

See How the Holy Spirit works? He was winding my grief, Nancy Brandon, a car wash, Comfort Zone Camp, Mark and Karina and even a song that just came on my iPod, set on random, these words come up:

"What heights of love,

what depths of peace

When fears are stilled,

when strivings cease

My Comforter, my All in All

Here in the love of Christ I stand"*

So I sit, alone in my office, crying tears of joy to a God who loves me, designed me, cares for me and guides me.

Now just this morning, I was speaking to my mother. As I spoke about camp tonight, my mother said that if she lived near me, she would volunteer there. She sees tremendous value in teaching children to grieve. She then talked about what she believes she did wrong in leading our family after my father's death. She spoke of taking the family to my father's gravesite several months after his death. She said it was so emotional she vowed never to do that again. So she used her strength, which is massive, and put us on her shoulders and we moved on.

But there, I believe, at the gravesite that day, was Christ, watching us leave, saying,"Don't leave, I'll comfort you, I'll worship your tears, I'll hold you in my arms. I'll guide you. Please don't leave, my children!"

But we did. My mother did what she thought was best for her, for us. But Christ didn't forget us, he didn't abandon us. He wasn't angry at us for leaving. He watched over us. He waited till we were ready and he was there when we sought Him. He continues to this day. Sometimes at a carwash. Sometimes in an office. Sometimes in our prayers. But always He seeks us out. Because He loves us so much. I am so sure of this. He loves us so much.

Lyrics by Phillips Craig Dean - "In Christ alone"

A Satisfied Soul has "Spacious Encounters with God" - Stephen Macchia

From the book, God Calling. Part of today's reading:

"Discourage too much talk. Deeds live, and re-echo down the ages -- words perish. As Paul: Though I speak with tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as sounding brass or a tinkling cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, . . . And have not charity, I am nothing....

Remember that rarely to the human heart do I speak in words. Man will see Me in My works done through you, meet Me in the atmosphere of Love and self-effacement. Do not feel that you have to speak.

When man ceased to commune with his God simply and naturally, he took refuge in words—words. Babel resulted. Then God wanted to do away with man from the earth. Rely less on words. Always remember that speech is of the senses. So make it your servant, never your Master."

"And that ye study to be quiet." 1 Thessalonians 4:11

Even when we pray, do we speak all the time? Do we pause or even stop to wait, to listen for God? The book God Calling is from two women, two listeners, who prayed and then listened for direction from Jesus. They wrote down what they heard. They were blessed. They prayed and listened. As we pray, do we talk to God, which is good, or listen for God, which may be better?

God is patient. He may not interrupt our prayers unless He has to. He will wait for a pause, a biblical selah, in the conversation. Do we do this with our friends? Wait for them to finish speaking before we talk? Or do we interrupt with our "insight" or remembrances? God is a patient, better friend than I am. He waits for me to stop talking before He speaks.

Pray for me that I stop talking, chatting incessantly, and that I pause and quiet my soul and listen for Him.

"But these times are not times when you ask to be shown and led, they are times of feeling and realizing My Presence. Does the branch continually ask the Vine to supply it with sap, to show it in what direction to grow? No, that comes naturally from the very union with the Vine, and I said, "I am the true vine, ye are the branches."

The quote in the title is from Stephen Macchia, Founder and President of LeadershipTransformations.org

The Power of Prayer - The Power of being "Present"

I was asked by my friend Dave, a chaplain candidate in the Army Reserve, to pray for him during his last 10 weeks of seminary studies. It felt a little contrived since it was a requirement of his schooling to ask 10 people to pray for him, but I agreed, with the disclaimer that he'd doesn't know what I pray about. You see, the privilege that God gives us in brotherhood is the privilege to see others in a different light and to pray what the Spirit leads us to pray, not what they ask for or what we think they need praying about.

So I prayed. I prayed about his temptation. I prayed for his support. I missed a few days then I prayed on Wednesday that my friend would would find what God is really directing him to, what the Lord really wants to teach him. Nothing more.

Dave had a fellow blogger, a man he only met once, ask Dave if he was "up for some counseling as he was in need of some help. My reply? "Sure thing - what can I do you for?"

The key is that Dave was there for him if the man needed it. The man never responded to his e-mails. Dave picks the story up here. "... I was corresponding with him, and casually asked what had been going on that had prompted his original request, and his later expression of thanks."It was suicide," he told me. "You were there. That was enough. That was just enough."

The Power of Prayer - God gave me a glimpse of the power of praying for somebody and God's answer to that prayer.

The Power of Presence - God wants us to be there for each other so HE can work through us. His "presence" can work through us being "present" for other people. Small encouraging words, an offer of coffee, a beer. God wants us to be there for each other. My friend learned that advanced theological degrees aren't what God wants, he wants us to use that teaching to shape our hearts. To open them. To let Him use our hearts.

My friend is humbled today that God would speak to him, affirm that it is not our power to preach, to amaze others with our advanced Theological learning. No, God wants us to be there for each other with our heart open to Him so that His Spirit can speak through us.

Cool stuff. Godly cool stuff.

Dave's Blog - http://adonaisemperfi.blogspot.com/

Wisdom of a Child

My relationship with Luke is a gift from God. I teach him, he teaches me. Some background. He has not had a win in bike racing in 9 months (since my last blog post also). This week, he raced at Lake Perris, came in third in the first preliminary heat but was able to take the lead in the final race and hold off other bikers for a win. A great experience. That's the "good". The "bad" is that he has been less than energetic getting chores and schoolwork done and when I have to remind him, he gives out a big sigh, rolls his eyes (he says he doesn't) and groans while he has to do it. So this tension between him and I has been growing and we talked about it with no clear conclusion. Sunday, as we sat watching TV, out of the blue, he said, "I don't want to make a big deal out of this, but I want to apologize if I have been rolling my eyes and being disrespectful."

That's the heart of my son. I was so proud.

So we go on. Luke loves to have discussions and will always say, "So, what do you want to talk about?" He does this when we are alone or when we have a bunch of guys driving to a BMX race. So we are coming back from a new track in Chula Vista last night and we start a discussion. As it goes on, I ask him if we should feel bad about not taking some neighbor's children to church with us more often since these kids really enjoy it and their parents don't attend a church, have an known relationship with God, and are definitely not believers in Jesus Christ. Luke said that it was the parent's responsibility, not ours. Then we talked about the fact that all people, some day, must address their relationship with God, either now or sometime before they die. These parents just haven't done that yet. Since we have a relationship with the Lord, we should step in with these children. We also talked about conversations I had with my brother Billy, just prior to his death, with the hope that my brother, in a coma, may have given his life to Christ gefore his death. We talked about this some more then Luke talked about a movie he saw about Christmas. He talked about how a kid was being a bully all year long knowing that he was going to ask God for forgiveness just before Christmas. The bully knew that God would forgive him. Luke saw the analogy of my brother never relating to God, possibly till right before his death. He didn't think that was fair, in either case, for the person to live a life of bullying, or indifference to God, knowing that God would always forgive them, no matter what. Luke said, "It is like you are abusing God, knowing that whatever you do, he will forgive you, because he's God."

Abusing God. Never thought about it that way. But Luke did. We have some things to work out in his theology, but the fact that Luke, at 10, is pondering the gift of God's grace and forgiveness is the part that makes me proud of the heart God has placed in him.

Luke may struggle at reading. We may battle over responsibility and maturity. But he has a heart. My Lord thank you, this boy has a heart for You.

Luke's Heart and a Jedi mind trick



A lot of times we have to to work with our children when they come up against issues that they have never faced before.  With Luke, I can learn from him as much as he can from me.

As we were talking one night before he went to sleep, Luke told me about a situation in one of his classes.  A teacher, known as a "mean teacher" by some of the students in the school, had been in the habit of handing out test papers and commenting as she handed them out.  One of Luke's classmates was struggling in the class, and according to Luke, the teacher would make a joke or a unkind comment that the other students would hear and sometimes laugh at.  Luke thought the teacher was being unkind and we left it as an item we would talk about some other night.
 
A week or two went by and I finished my breakfast one morning and asked Luke what was the latest with that teacher.

His reply,"I talked to her this week."

Shock.

I immediately sat down and  asked for details.  Luke said that as the teacher was passing out papers, she made a comment about the student's results.  Apparently Luke decided to do something.  He stayed after class and spoke to the teacher.  He said that what the teacher  was saying to the student wasn't kind and that it would be better, if the student didn't do well, to maybe she should work with the student some more.and not say things out loud to the student when he gets a bad grade.

Double Shock.

"So" I said, " what did the teacher says."  He said that she she said in all of her years of teaching, no student has every confronted her like that,  She also said that she will try to do better in the future.

I am so proud.of Luke.  On his own, he decided that the situation wasn't getting better and that he needed to act.  He responded discreetly and respectfully.  He described the action and the result of that action.  He suggested possible corrective action.  This is classic mangement in a loving, caring way.  I have to study and learn these behaviors.

Luke has them in his heart.

So I told my friends about Luke, I told his grandparents.  I thought that was it.
The next weekend, I asked if there had been any changes in the teacher's behavior.  He said she was passing back test the next week ands as she came to the student who always has difficulty.  She was ready to say something, then she looked at Luke, smiled and just gave the student his test back quietly.

I asked Luke how he felt.  He said, as he saw the teacher getting close to the student and then walk away and he felt like the scene from Star Wars where Obi-Wan used a Jedi mind trick to convince a Stormtrooper to tell Obi-Wan and Luke to "move along."

Obi-Wan: These aren't the droids you're looking for.
Stormtrooper: These aren't the droids we're looking for.
Obi-Wan: He can go about his business.
Stormtrooper: You can go about your business.
Obi-Wan: Move along.


Only Luke

A Start of a Jouney - Day 1

Day 1 - June 3rd - Leaving from my mother's house in Pittsburgh, PA at 7:30 AM. We didn't plan to wear similar outfits but at least we are starting out visually stunning! We would drive about 500 miles to my friends, the Bardens, in Plymouth, Indiana. The first conflict started before we got even to the Pennsylvania Turnpike. I had used Google maps and had the route electronically and on paper. Kevin had a "VZ Navigator" added to his phone. I have lived in Penn Hills for 20 years and knew how to get to the Pennsylvania Turnpike, I thought. The VZ Navigator, known as "Linda" to Kevin, wanted a different route. I acquiesced to Kevin since he and "Linda" were driving. Let's just say, we ended up turning around after Linda said "recalculating route" 2 - 3 times. So before we started heading west, we went east for a while, then "Made the soonest legal u-turn" and headed west. Linda would become our friend for 2,700 miles. She had small issues when she was just waking up in the morning, leaving a destination and getting the exact right address near the end of the day. But overall, she was a loyal companion and I would recommend a real-time, GPS navigator to everyone. Off we went.

Great ride to Plymouth. We arrived just past three to the Barden children saying, "Uncle Tom, Uncle Tom" and the adventure was started. Karen had made her famous crumb cake for a snack before church. Chad showed up just in time for us to make the short drive up to South Bend, Indiana (home of Notre Dame) for a church Service at Granger Community Church. It was a very dynamic service to say the least and we were amazed that at a mid-week service, you had a packed auditorium om easily a few hundred people. Off to dinner at Houlihan's and day one was complete. 2,200 miles to go. It was great to see our friends, spend some time with their family and starting our week of right.

Home is where the memories are.

I spent a few days back where I grew up and helped my mom do some chores around the house. One of them was cutting the front bushes and adding mulch to the flower beds. Not a big job, a few hours at most, but it made a big visual difference with the house. We both thought the house looked great and that this was the photo that we would use if we ever sold it. It got me thinking of what it was like to grow up in this house and a few things stood out.

To most people this is just some old broken steps, made in 1954. But this is different. These steps were put in to connect the back yard of our house to the back yard of our neighbors. We had another one on the other side that connected us to the Muldowneys. These were made so it would be easier for us to connect with our neighbors and their houses. I live in California and the thought that you would have stairs and concrete paths that connect you with your neighbors wouldn't even be thought of for the front yard, let alone the back. In California, there are walls or fences that are at least 5 feet high between each house. By order of the homeowners association, you cannot even take them down. It wasn't that way when I grew up, not on Poe Drive at least.

Just a pad of concrete you see, right. Not to me. This is the concrete pad that my dad and I were working on in 1972 when he had the heart attack that ended his life. We had just finished raking the stones that were used as a base for the cement when we took a break and rested in the back yard. That is when he had the heart attack. Not a great memory, I'll admit, but some day we'll sell this house. Someone will tear out the steps to the neighbors, probably remove this unused pad of concrete, but I wanted to remember it. You see, the house where I grew up in has good memories and bad. But it is still where I grew up. There is the old expression about never going home again. It's From "A Death in the Family" by James Agee. The full quote is:

"How far we all come. How far we all come away from ourselves. You can never go home again."

It's a story about a family dealing with the accidental death of the father. The story is about a husband and father is called out of town to be with his own father, who has had a heart attack, and while returning is killed in a car accident. James Agee patterned the story after his own life. The story is about a boy who is the same age as James was when his father died. James Agee was six when his father died. I was ten when my father died.

The issue is that you can go home, you must go home, eventually. Running away, as I did as a child when my father fell to the ground, and as an adult leaving for California, doesn't work. Every demon, every bad memory, must be addressed. For me, these aren't bad memories now, they are just part of my past that shaped who I am. I was there when my father died. I was at my brother's side when he died. These are terrible moments, but they make us stronger when we have the time and space to understand them. No one is devoid of these type of memories. Most people have much worse memories that they have to face. But God allows these to happen to us. He does not cause them. He allows them. Our eventual decision is how will we react to them. Will we become "bitter" or will we get "better?" It's a choice. It's "Free Will." It's God's Plan. I read the Book. I know the ending.